Mental prison of vicious cycles

I don’t know what or why

Lately I have been feeling strongly like I don’t want to live the way I do right now. On its own these kinds of feelings seem to be a good driving force or a spark for positive change. The problem at this time is that I don’t know how I do want to live. The only somewhat concrete value or want is that I want to be physically fit in cardio / endurance wise in order to be able to dance through the night. Then there are a bunch of these vague aspirations like going hiking, biking more and learning more about computers. Well the actions themselves are not necessarily that vague, but the values behind them are. Like I kinda sorta know what I want to do but I have no tangible sense why I want to do those things.

From the lack of reason comes inaction

Because I don’t seem to have a good enough reason to better myself it’s way too easy to just fall back on old coping mechanisms and try to survive till the next day. Not doing really anything and waiting for the next time I get to sleep feels really much like being in hospital. I have been hospitalised for months at a time multiple times when I was younger. This hospital mid set has been feeling like being imprisoned by my own mind. Oh right the coping mechanisms. I game, eat unhealthy stuff and drink alcohol to numb the negative or pretty much all feelings. These things of course are not making my depression any better - they are more likely to make it worse. So I’m kinda stuck in this vicious cycle where depression causes inaction and inaction causes depression.

Trying to break the cycle

I have been thinking about selling my gaming pc again. I should also stop drinking and eating unhealthy stuff. I have tried removing these stagnation enablers before but on its own just removing them is really ineffective because then I just fill the void with something else that is easy and endless time sink. I’ve tried to quit gaming multiple times before and have ended up just scrolling reddit or doing something just as meaningless online.Instead of wasting time online I’d like to do something productive like learn about server stuff by doing - like self hosting stuff and setting up some kind of homelab. BUT I’m afraid that I’ll burn out even more on tech because the useful stuff I wanna do on computers is so close to my job. Food is problematic because heatly stuff takes effort and is not as good when my monkey brain has gotten used to overly sweet / fatty / salty stuff. It will take like a couple of months to get used to ‘real’ food and take almost daily effort to actually cook something. Drinking is the only thing that can and probably should be dropped without a plan to replace it. In general I should see these past failures not as a reason to not try again but try to learn from them. But how the fuck do begin?